The Lost Art of Authentic Listening, and How It Can Save Your Relationship: Exercises for couples in communicating.

When was the last time you felt truly heard by your partner?

Not just "uh-huh" heard while they scrolled their phone. Not politely-waiting-for-their-turn-to-talk heard. But genuinely, fully listened to, like what you were saying actually mattered? If you can't remember, you're not alone. Most couples don't struggle because they don't love each other. They struggle because they've forgotten how to listen.

Why Listening Breaks Down

In the beginning, we hang on every word. But over time, something shifts. We start:

• Listening to respond instead of to understand

• Interrupting with solutions before the other person is done

• Defending ourselves before we've even heard the full concern

• Assuming we already know what they're going to say

• Half-listening while planning what we'll say next

We stop being curious. We stop being present. And slowly, both people end up feeling unseen. The result? Conversations turn into arguments. Small misunderstandings become big resentments. And eventually, people stop trying to share at all.

What Authentic Listening Actually Is

Authentic listening isn't passive. It's an active, generous act of attention. It means:

• Being fully present, not distracted or defensive

• Listening to understand, not to fix or debate

• Holding space for your partner's experience without making it about you

• Staying curious, even when you disagree

• Reflecting back what you heard to make sure you got it right

It's one of the most powerful tools you have to rebuild trust, deepen intimacy, and help your partner feel valued. And it's a skill, which means it can be learned.

Exercises to Practice Authentic Listening

Here are some exercises you can try with your partner. They might feel a little awkward at first, that's normal. Stick with it. The awkwardness fades, and what's left is real connection.

Exercise 1: The Speaker-Listener Technique

This classic exercise slows things down and creates structure so both people feel heard.

How it works:

1. Decide who will be the Speaker first and who will be the Listener.

2. The Speaker shares something on their mind for 2-3 minutes (a feeling, a concern, a hope—whatever feels important). Keep it focused on one topic.

3. The Listener's only job is to listen without interrupting, defending, or problem-solving. Just listen.

4. When the Speaker is done, the Listener reflects back what they heard: "What I'm hearing is…" or "It sounds like you're feeling…"

5. The Speaker confirms if the Listener got it right, or gently clarifies.

6. Switch roles and repeat.

Why it works: It forces you to slow down, actually hear each other, and check for understanding before reacting.

Exercise 2: Curiosity Questions

This one helps you get curious instead of defensive when something your partner says triggers you.

How it works:

1. When your partner says something that bothers you or feels confusing, pause.

2. Instead of reacting, ask a curiosity question like:

   • "Can you tell me more about that?"

   • "What does that feel like for you?"

   • "Help me understand what you need right now."

   • "What's underneath that for you?"

3. Listen to their answer without jumping in with your perspective yet.

4. Reflect back what you heard before sharing your own experience.

Why it works: Curiosity softens defensiveness and opens the door to real understanding.

Exercise 3: Daily Check-Ins

A simple practice that builds connection over time.

How it works:

1. Set aside 10 minutes each day (or a few times a week) to check in with each other.

2. Each person shares:

   • One thing they're grateful for today

   • One thing that's been hard or heavy

   • One thing they need from their partner (support, space, affection, etc.)

3. The other person listens without fixing or solving, just witnesses and validates.

Why it works: Regular, low-stakes check-ins prevent buildup and keep you emotionally connected.

Exercise 4: The Empathy Reflection

This one is great when emotions are running high.

How it works:

1. One person shares how they're feeling about something specific.

2. The other person reflects back not just the content, but the emotion behind it:

   • "It sounds like you're feeling really hurt."

   • "I hear that you're frustrated and want to feel supported."

   • "It seems like you're scared I don't see you."

3. The first person confirms or clarifies.

4. The listener then validates the feeling (you don't have to agree with it, just acknowledge it): "That makes sense." or "I can see why you'd feel that way."

Why it works: Feeling understood emotionally, not just logically, is what creates safety and repair.

Exercise 5: The Appreciation Practice

Sometimes we forget to listen for what's going well.

How it works:

1. Each week, share one thing you appreciate about your partner.

2. Be specific: "I really appreciated when you checked in on me after my meeting," not just "You're great."

3. The other person listens and says, "Thank you for seeing that."

Why it works: It trains your brain to notice the good and reminds your partner they're valued.

A Final Thought

Authentic listening isn't about never disagreeing or always getting it right. It's about showing up with intention, slowing down enough to really hear each other, and creating space where both people feel like they matter. You don't need perfect communication to have a strong relationship. You just need to keep trying, to keep listening, to keep showing up, to keep choosing each other. And if you're struggling to do that on your own, that's okay. That's what therapy is for. Sometimes having a third person in the room to help you slow things down and hear each other clearly is exactly what you need.

If that sounds like you, reach out. I'd love to help.

Dr. Adrian Scharfetter PhD, LMFT, CST